Have you ever taught a lesson over symbolism to a room full of thirty-three teenagers while holding cupped handfuls of your own glistening red bones? I have, more than once.
It’s one of the worst recurring nightmares I have: the one where all of my teeth fall out. Sickening suction squelches as the bones detach from their roots and cascade out of my mouth in stacks like blank, bloody dominos. It happens while I’m talking, while I’m teaching, while I’m eating. I’m embarrassed each time—how dare I be so openly vulnerable to onlookers?—so I keep forcing myself to do The Thing I Am Doing, trying to ignore that I am literally falling apart in front of my parents, friends, students, and strangers.
But it is not just that my teeth fall out—sometimes they break apart in shards too, and I must be careful not to swallow them. Or, there is an after-birth of sorts where thin yet sharp layers of roots and rot slip out of the sockets like glass, making it even harder to keep forcing myself to do The Thing I Am Doing, yet somehow I prevail. Somehow, I always carry on. Sometimes the people around me do not notice. Sometimes they notice and offer only pitying looks. They never try to help, and I never ask for their help. Maybe that’s my fatal flaw.
I have done plenty of research on dream interpretations, flipping through glossaries and indexes for symbols to break down until I get to D: Dental or T: Teeth. Most interpreters say that losing teeth in dreams is indicative of either impending death, or feeling a loss of control in life decisions.
Death.
Loss.
I’m all too familiar with both.
Sometimes, I do not know which is worse: dying, or having no choice in the matter. Sometimes, I do not know which is worse: falling apart, or knowing people see me falling apart, yet they do nothing to help. Sometimes, I do not know which is worse: that they do not acknowledge my downfall, or that I do acknowledge it, yet choose to give myself no pause; keep eating…keep teaching…keep disregarding. Keep bleeding and breaking all the same.
Mahailey Oliver holds an MA in English and Advanced Pedagogy from Stephen F. Austin State University. Her work has recently appeared in Hearth & Coffin, ForgetMeNot Press, and Spark to Flame. Her soul is made happy with an autumn breeze and camping under starlight. To read more of her work, check out her website here: sites.google.com/view/mahaileyoliver